meesaedera asked: I love you Jenna. No matter what you feel at home, you are loved by many many many people. There aren't enough words to describe how loved you are, and how God sends you these people so you never forget His love for you too. One day you'll be able to grip your faith and make it 'officially' yours. But it already is, remember that. You're loved, Jenna. No matter what you may think.
I love you. Have fun this weekend.
Here I Go Again.
I can’t take this anymore. I swear my parents are seriously oblivious as to what they are doing to me. Do they really not understand that growing up your whole life without parents is the worst thing? I get it, they work and they have priorities that they need to fulfill in order to support our family but this is just too far. First, you miss my whole childhood and I mean my WHOLE childhood. You didn’t see my first steps, here my first words, not even take me to Disneyland for the first time. When people get to look back and say “Oh, I remember when my parents did….” insert touching story here…I will never say that. I can’t look back and say I remember one thing my parents have done for me. I am eternally thankful for the fact that they put a roof over my head, provide me with clothes, and supply me with food but it will forever kill me inside knowing I don’t have a relationship with them. Not just them, my brothers too. Me and my brothers used to be so close, now we can barely talk for more than five minutes. This isn’t how a family is supposed to be. So me and my dad haven’t been on speaking terms since around Sunday. This is how it happened, basically I asked for a kitten…he said no (no surprise there) so I was pretty upset. But that’s not it, I’m not a spoiled brat who is going to cry over everything I don’t get…not how I roll. What really pissed me off was he treated me like some fucking infant, like I’m stupid and don’t know anything. My dad always pulls this shit like “One day you will understand, when you are a parents and have kids of your own” First of all, I will never have kids so I won’t be a parent, second of all I UNDERSTAND NOW. I know I am only sixteen but I can guarantee I have been through more than he has in life. In my sixteen years of life I have lost four of the closest people to me to death, grown up without parents, and seen way to many therapists for my own good. If I haven’t learned a lot about life then I don’t know who the hell has. OKAY, so then on Monday night my dad was trying to talk to me and he started lecturing me about how I have it better then any one of my friends, and how I should write a book about how great he is (smart ass) So I came back with the one person I KNOW who has it better than me, my best friend Brittney Grotz. My dad questioned how she had it better blah blah blah. So I told him. Brittney has a mom who stays at home and dedicates ALL of her time to her children, sure that takes a toll on the income flow in the house but love is greater than money in my eyes. Brittney’s dad comes home around oh ten at night at the latest, my mom doesn’t get home until midnight or one. Brittney has three sisters who she has wonderful relationships with. Brittney’s parents have allowed them to have two indoor cats, and two indoor dogs (I wish my dad would let me do that) Brittney’s family has traditions, they all grew up together. They are a real family. Brittney’s mom will let her get a tattoo in remembrance of her grandmother who passed away. My dad won’t let me get one for my grandpa, cousin, and two aunts (that’s four people if you didn’t notice) So as I am telling all my dad this he begins to walk away because he doesn’t wanna talk about it anymore. So the last thing I scream at him (tears rolling down my face at this point) was…And Brittney’s mom let’s her express her religion freely, no matter what she decides to do. If you didn’t already know my dad is Jewish and my mom is Catholic, I wanna be catholic but my dad won’t let me because he doesn’t want his parents to be mad. Now I was under the impression that family is supposed to love you through thick and thin? So just because of my choice of religion my grandparents wouldn’t love me? COOL. So then my dad came in yelling YOU THINK WE DON’T LOVE YOU MEH MEH MEH. And I said quite frankly yes, I do think that. You don’t love me enough to stand up to your parents and stop being such a PUSSY to fight for the religion I love so much and want to be a part of. So, now we haven’t talked since. Talk about awkward. Oh and to add to this I just picked up brittney and we were talking and her mom’s friend asked brittney’s mom if I was lonely because she could just tell. The fact that it is that obvious to a complete stranger is destroying. I am destroyed. All I wanna do is not feel alone, and have a family who would love me no matter what. I just want a family damnit. That’s all I want for Christmas, is to be loved by the people who are supposed to love me. I guess this is the end of rant now…sorry everyone.
There’s nothing like falling asleep to the sound of a nice engine and hearing people drift.
I miss when people actually used to put stuff in my inbox…ahh, those were the days.
Tired of fighting…
Venting about…everything.
There are so many things I want to change. If I could go back to that night I would have came home, I didn’t know that would have been the last time I would see you. If I came home would things be different, would you still be alive? Could I have kept you from going to the gym. So many unanswered questions. If I could I would go back to that night you said you liked me, then I made myself look like a fool. REALLY? Did you really have to say any of the things you said…so irrelevant. If you knew you were gonna say we should just be friends why would you do that to me? I don’t understand your mentality. Now things will never be the same, I mean hell we can barely hold a conversation anymore. You act as if I’m invisible at school, are you embarrassed? If you have so many issues with our friendship why don’t you ever say anything to me about it, why do you have to tell everyone else. I don’t understand. UGH, it’s so frustrating. So many things could be different. If I could I would redo so many things. But I can’t so I guess things are stuck the way they are, shitty.
She may look better in photos, but I know you can’t hold a conversation with her for more than three minutes. I’m not worried though, soon enough you’ll realize I’ve always been better.
